This is How We Are
by WhiteRose123
Summary: Corruption within the Grey Warden ranks pushes Wardens Alistair and Solana Amell to seek the aid of the Inquisition. Reunited with the old object of his infatuation, Commander Cullen must come to terms with his feelings for his old charge and the realization that she may be taken by another. [CullenxF!AmellxAlistair] [CassandraxM!TrevelyanInquistor] Implied [F!MageHawkexAnders].
1. Chapter 1

**This is How We Are**

Summary: Corruption within the Grey Warden ranks pushes Wardens Alistair and Solana Amell to seek the aid of the Inquisition. Reunited with the old object of his infatuation, Commander Cullen must come to terms with his feelings for his old charge and the realization that she may be taken by another. [CullenxF!AmellxAlistair triangle] [CassandraxInquistor] Implied [F!MageHawkexAnders].

Author's Note: Slightly AU (Obviously) but in general, follows the Inquisition storyline with a few changes. This is a romance story, so milestone events occurring within this world state will be touched upon and mentioned, but not explicitly copied and repeated (assuming we've all played the game and seen those already). Default first names will be used for the "player characters" (Hawke, Inquisitor, HoF). I hope you guys enjoy, if you like it, please review. The more feedback I get, the more likely I am to write more and update quicker.

Warnings: None this chapter, but this story is M. I will warn if there is anything NSFW in a chapter.

...

…

Chapter 1

Crestwood. It has to be one of my least favorite places in all of Fereldan, and that's saying something. Rough terrain, harsh weather, and apparently particularly frequent invasions of the undead. I sighed, wiping the newly formed droplets of rain off of my forehead.

At least there weren't any undead today.

It was dark, the light from the moon peeking through the clouds and reflecting off of Lake Calenhad. The lake was quite possibly the only thing that is even remotely beautiful about this place. Why the meeting location was chosen to be in the bowels of Fereldan was beyond me.

"I still can't believe it, I mean seriously? Swords and Shields? How did you find that serial? Scrape it off the bottom of a barrel in Dust Town?" Varric exclaimed in a combination of disbelief and mirth. I felt small grin creep onto my face, he still hasn't quite gotten over the fact that Cassandra reads his books.

"It was research!" Cassandra blurted out, obviously flustered. "I… thought it might help me learn more about the Champion!"

Cute. It baffled me as well that behind that tough exterior, Cassandra was a true romantic… not that I minded. It is something I plan to keep in mind for the future.

I spared a quick glance behind me at my traveling companions. Cassandra was keeping pace with me, falling only slightly behind my lead. She was followed closely by Varric, his short legs moving quickly to keep up with her as he relentlessly teased her about her newly discovered hobby. Dorian was keeping a few paces behind them, an amused smirk playing on his face as he silently listened to his comrades banter.

"I did write a book about the Champion. You might remember it, had your knife stuck through it last I saw."

"I'd already read that one. Twice." Cassandra responded in a matter of fact tone, crossing her arms.

"I can't believe you picked the absolute worst of my books to read." Varric replied "Why not Hard in Hightown?"

Hard in Hightown. Now there's a title worthy of some truly smutty content.

"I have enough mysteries and investigations of my own."

"What? You don't want to solve more in your spare time?"

"Then you killed my favorite character in chapter three! So I threw the book across the room!" Cassandra exclaimed, throwing her hands up in expression.

Varric scoffed. "A critic. Say no more."

Cassandra simply replied with an annoyed grunt, a moment of silence befalling the group before she spoke again "How much longer? How far away is this cave supposed to be?"

"I believe the Champion said it was only a few miles south of Crestwood village. Shouldn't be too much further" I responded, although it certainly felt like we've been walking longer than a few miles. I guess Hawke isn't one for exact estimations.

But Hawke did say it was important that we come here. Varric had gotten in contact with the beloved Champion of Kirkwall not long after the emergence of Corypheus. To say the least, Hawke was shocked to hear that Corypheus still lived, as she and Varric thought they had killed him a few years back. In attempt to learn more about this Corypheus, Hawke put us in contact with an acquaintance of hers; a Grey Warden named Alistair who is apparently currently holed up in Crestwood. Why? I did not know. I thought it to be pretty bizarre, but stranger things have happened.

At the very least, I hope this Alistair has answers.

"Seriously, how on earth do people live in this country." Dorian piped up in his usual dramatic tone. "Fereldan smells like wet dog. And I'm getting mud all over my newly washed robes, disgusting."

Can't say I disagreed with him. Well, except for worrying about dirtying my armor, unlike Dorian, that's at the bottom of my concerns.

"Yes. I agree. It smells dreadful here." Cassandra said, scrunching her nose in disgust.

"Coming from you, that's saying something."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Cassandra responded defensively.

"Nothing, nothing, I jest." Dorian smirked, a small laugh escaping him.

"Fereldans certainly do value their dogs." Varric replied simply as he readjusted the position of Bianca on his back. "Hey look, I think I see Hawke." He said, pointing towards the familiar dark haired woman standing outside an especially unwelcoming looking cave.

"Champion!" I exclaimed in greeting, moving forward to meet the familiar woman.

"There you are. I've been waiting for hours." Hawke said upon spotting them, pushing herself off the tree she was leaning against.

"You've been standing outside this cave in the rain for hours? What on earth for? I know you love your crazy adventures Hawke, but that's just silly. You could have just traveled with us you know." Varric said, huffing out a small laugh while shaking his head at his longtime friend.

I was definitely in agreeance with Varric there. I really had no idea how Hawke had made it here so quickly, but it would have been nice to get in on that secret.

"Yes, well, someone has to get things done around here. Come on, it's just through here." Hawke waved her hand, prompting the group to follow her.

I watched with peaking fascination as Hawke delicately waved her hand over an unlit torch, a burst of flame materializing out of thin air, bringing life to the torch and illuminating the cave. It must be so convenient to be a mage at times. I always prided myself on my proficiency with a sword, but I could never deny a bit of jealousy for my magically gifted friends.

I stared at the back of Hawke's head as she led the way further into the cave, her jet black hair only long enough to barely conceal her ears. "Champion, is there anything more you can tell me about this Alistair before we meet?"

I was genuinely curious. Aside from knowledge that a Grey Warden named Alistair was one of the two Wardens that helped end the Fifth Blight, I knew nothing about the man that Hawke was bringing me to meet.

Sometimes I was a bit too trustworthy for my own good, but I believed that Hawke wouldn't purposefully lead us into danger. But still, I wondered, was it the same Alistair? The same Grey Warden? Thinking about it brought on lingering thoughts about the Hero of Fereldan, who was supposedly close to the Warden bastard prince.

"Everything will be explained when we meet them. They're good people, I promise, we can trust them." Hawke said.

"They? Who's they?" I blurted out in response. So Hawke was hiding something.

"My thoughts exactly" Cassandra remarked.

"Oh, yes, that" Hawke spoke casually, stopping and turning to face the group. "I couldn't say it when we were still at Skyhold for reasons of privacy, but I confess that I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"What do you mean? We are actually going to meet a Grey Warden named Alistair right?" I asked.

"Yes, I didn't lie about that. It's just… there's someone else too." Hawke replied, rubbing her temple. "You know, I have a cousin in the Grey Wardens... you might have heard of her… Warden Commander Solana Amell, the Hero of Fereldan"

"What?" Cassandra blurted out before I could react. "The Hero of Fereldan is here?"

Hawke nodded. "Yes. She values her privacy… rather highly. I didn't want to mention her in Skyhold where anyone could overhear us."

"I had heard rumors about your relation to the Hero of Fereldan back in Kirkwall, Hawke" Varric spoke with some amusement. "Heh, had no idea you actually contacted her."

I felt a rush of excitement flow through me, now even more eager to reach the meeting location. What better way to stop Corypheus than to have help from the two heroes that ended the Fifth Blight? Without a word, I sped ahead of the group, following the glinting light at the end of the tunnel.

It wasn't long before he reached the opening. It was dark and dank, illuminated only by the faint torch secured to the cave wall. A table that appeared older than myself sat in the middle of the room with multiple old maps spread over top of it. I approached the table, glancing down at the cryptic maps that laid before me. These must belong to the Grey Wardens, but where are they?

Just then I faintly heard the familiar sound of a sword being unsheathed behind me, my hand jolting down in defense to the hilt of my own weapon as I turned to face my assailant. He was roughly my height, had dirty blonde hair pushed back across his head and an obviously athletic build. The Grey Warden seal painted on his armor quickly gave away his identity; this must be one of the Wardens Hawke was referring to. Alistair perhaps?

Before I had a chance speak, Hawke rushed into the room with the remainder of the group. "It's just us!" She exclaimed, throwing her hands up as if trying to calm the situation. "I brought the Inquisitor."

Hawke gestured towards me, which encouraged the man to relax his stance before finally lowering his sword. "I'm Alistair. It's an honor to meet you, Inquisitor." He said, the corner of his mouth twitching in a small smile. "Though I wish it were someplace a bit nicer."

"Alistair? Is everything alright? I heard- oh" An unfamiliar voice spoke, a woman's voice.

The woman with short black hair emerged from the cave's back entrance, carefully approaching the group before finally stopping at Alistair's side. If I had to estimate, she only came up to my shoulders, she was surprisingly short. She was a mage, evident by her robes that also bore the Grey Warden seal. Was this the fabled Hero of Fereldan?

"And this, is Warden Commander Amell" Alistair said, smiling fondly at the woman as she moved up to stand next to him. "Also known as the Hero of Fereldan"

"Although I rarely use those titles nowadays, it has been sometime since I have set foot in Vigil's Keep" The Hero of Fereldan said, tilting her head and offering a small smile. "You may just call me Solona, or Warden Amell if you must use a title."

"Inquisitor Maxwell Trevelyan" I said in greeting. "It is an honor to meet you Warden Amell."

It was an honor indeed to meet her. Here I stood, speaking with the two Grey Warden heroes from the Fifth Blight and the Champion of Kirkwall. Cassandra must be absolutely star struck, considering her reaction to just meeting Hawke. I felt a small grin creep onto my face at the thought.

Solana dipped her head in a quick, respectful bow. "I'm glad to finally meet you Inquisitor. When Hawke said she could obtain us the help of the Inquisition, I wasn't completely certain you would actually come."

"I'll take all the help I can get for the Inquisition." I replied "Especially that of the two heroes from the Fifth Blight."

"Yes, of course we will help" Solana replied with a subtle nod of her head. "The threat of Corypheus is just as much of a threat to the Warden's as it is the Inquisition. However, we will need to resolve the unrest in the heart of the Wardens first."

"Ah, yes. The Champion had mentioned that the Grey Wardens were having troubles of their own" I said "I was wondering, though, might those troubles have something to do with Corypheus?"

My suspicions proved to be correct as the two fabled Grey Wardens enlightened me with the events that had led them up to this point. The fake Calling created by Corypheus, the paranoia of the remaining Grey Wardens regarding their possible deaths, the summoning of demons and use of blood magic in a last ditch effort to protect the land they had devoted their lives too.

I couldn't pretend to understand what Grey Wardens go through, although I have always held a great deal of respect for them. But what they are doing is dangerous beyond imagination. Blood magic is always the last resort for all desperate mages, but that doesn't mean that it is right.

The Wardens must be stopped.

I chose to invite the rogue Wardens Alistair and Solana back to Skyhold to continue their investigations with the help of the Inquisition. Some might see it as foolish, considering their susceptibility to Corypheus as Grey Wardens, but I trusted them.

Perhaps I am too trustworthy. But if anyone can help the Inquisition solve unrest within the Grey Warden ranks, it's them.

...

Solana 

I wasn't prepared for the sheer size of Skyhold, it put Vigil's Keep to shame for sure and the Keep was by no means a bad stronghold. I had to admit, I'm impressed that the Inquisition was able to establish such an imposing fortress. It certainly would have been nice to have something like that during the Fifth Blight.

Inquisitor Maxwell Trevelyan had been kind to offer them space at Skyhold to continue their investigations. I had no complaints; it was certainly preferable to a dingy cave. However, I didn't know what to expect of the people here, I only know that my old friend Leliana is among them. The Inquisition is, and always has been, a chantry-central organization. It made me wonder what the people here would think of a Grey Warden mage, especially in light of the current popularity of blood magic amongst other Grey Warden magi. Would they be welcoming? Would they be suspicious of us?

I glanced around at the growing number of onlookers as Maxwell led us through Skyhold's entrance, attempting to ignore the all too familiar song that was almost screaming in her head. The song of the taint, the song of the Calling. It became even louder during times of stress. I scrunched my eyes, shaking my head as if hoping the music would fall out of my ears and leave me. I felt a familiar warmth as Alistair placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, a reassuring smile on his face.

"It's okay… I hear it too" He said in a whisper "We'll make it through this in one piece, I promise."

I nodded, returning his smile. "I know, we'll win, I know we will" I replied equally quietly. "Then maybe things won't be completely crazy for once. Who knows, maybe we can even settle down. Some place nice hopefully."

Alistair let out a quiet chuckle in response. "I think we'll die of old age before that happens, given our track record."

"Certainly wouldn't be a surprise." I replied, flashing him an amused smile. "A girl can dream though."

"Well I hope I can give you that one day" Alistair replied, snaking his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in for a quick hug.

I smiled to myself. I really could not have asked for a better partner, a better lover. Alistair always knew just what to say and do to make me feel better, I only wish we were alone right now instead of displaying our affection in front of a hundred onlookers. I felt my face flush red when I noticed a young woman move to whisper to another in reaction to Alistair's gesture.

"This way" Maxwell said, leading them up an impressive set of stairs that led to what appeared to be the main building of the stronghold. "I hope I can introduce you to the rest of my companions at some point, but first I think you should meet my advisors. They are the driving force of the Inquisition."

"I've heard that Leliana is part of the Inqusition. Is she here?" I asked. I hadn't seen her since we parted ways after the Blight had ended.

"Yes, she is our spymaster. Quite good at it too, I might add." Maxwell responded "She has spoken fondly of you and Alistair, I'm sure she'll be happy to see you again."

Maxwell pushed open the large doors leading into the building, revealing an impressively decorated throne room. A luxurious red carpet paved the way leading to a rather modest throne at the head of the room. Chattering Orelesian nobles lined the sides¸ gossiping amongst themselves, a few sparing us curious glances as we passed.

They were finally led into a smaller room that was completely empty save for two women chatting near a rather well decorated desk. One was dressed in clothing that seemed excessive even compared to the gaggle of Orlesians in the main hall, a fancy gold and blue dress, adorned in jewelry and ruffles. The other wore more fitting, practical clothing, her face cloaked by a dark purple hood.

"Leliana, Josephine" Maxwell acknowledged the two women casually.

"Leliana?" I echoed. Is it really her?

The cloaked woman turned towards them at the mention of the name, revealing a familiar face framed by short, red locks. No doubt about it, that was her. Initially stern, recognition caused Leliana's face to gradually soften, mouth curving into a warm smile as she moved towards them.

"Solana, Alistair. It's so good to see you again." Leliana said, offering them both a platonic hug in greeting.

"Leliana! How have you been?" Alistair said, smiling warmly at his old friend.

The warm expression on Leliana's suddenly face dropped in a more serious one, she tilted her head downward, her hood obscuring her eyes. "Not good. Things have not been… as they should be, but we will talk more about it later."

No doubt the years have not been kind to her. It was easy to see that she wasn't the same woman she was ten years ago, the Divine's death must have weight heavily on her. Regardless of the circumstances, it was difficult to see the once kind and always smiling Leliana like this. But then again, things haven't exactly been sunshine and roses for her and Alistair either. I suppose we all change in times of desperation.

"Obviously you and Leliana already know each other. I'd also like you to meet our Ambassador and Diplomat, Josephine" Maxwell said, gesturing toward the woman wearing the extravagant dress.

"It is an honor to meet you Grey Wardens" Josephine greeted respectfully, her Antivan heritage plainly showing in her accent. "Your heroism during the last Blight remains inspiring to the masses, even here in the Inquisition."

"And… let's see… where is Cullen?" Maxwell asked "I thought I sent for him, it's important for him to be here."

Wait what? Did I hear that correctly? Images of the young, inexperienced Templar that used to watch over me at the circle tower came flooding back. The one that was so shy that he stuttered every time we spoke, the one we found trapped within the Circle Tower after I became a Warden, where he deliriously confessed something to me that I would have rather not heard.

I felt myself tense up at the prospect that he might be here, the song of the Calling echoing so loudly in my head it was nearly impossible to ignore.

"I had a messenger send for him not too long ago" Josephine said. "He must be running late."

"I'm sorry, but did you say Cullen?" I sputtered out, still in a state of disbelief.

I wasn't certain that I was interested in seeing him again considering the circumstances under which we last spoke, nor do I bet he was eager to see me again. His hatred of myself and all mages was made clear that day.

"Yes. Do you know him? I understand he used to be a Templar at the Circle you came from." Maxwell asked.

I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat and nodded. "Uh, yes, we spoke a few times when I was still an Apprentice mage at the Circle… He was the Templar that was chosen to kill me if I failed my harrowing actually."

"Oh… well that's a bit awkward" Maxwell responded, shifting the weight on his feet slightly "I hope there is no bad blood between you two. He is no longer a Templar, so you have nothing to fear from him."

"It's not that… it's just… nevermind."

I decided to keep my mouth shut. What happened at the Circle Tower happened over ten years ago, it no longer matters. The Inquisitor has no need to know about the intricacies of our relationship. But Maxwell said that he was no longer a Templar, I couldn't help but be curious of the circumstances that led up to this.

"So-" Alistair began before he was cut off by the slam of a door being thrown open.

A man entered the room, he was tall with curly, strawberry blonde hair, clad in armor decorated with rich red fur in a fashion that almost reminded me of a lion's mane. He looked different in many ways, but there was no doubt about it, it was him. "Inquisitor, I'm sorry I'm…" Cullen paused upon spotting us, I felt his dark brown eyes bore into me as they came to rest on me. "Apprentice Amell…"

"I… I haven't been called that since I left the Circle Tower… Please, just Solana."

Facing a High Dragon by myself would have been preferable at this point. I've never been good with people, especially those that I have a less than appealing past with.

"R-right" Cullen stuttered out, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. "… It's good to see you again Solana, I'm… I'm glad you are well."

I felt Alistair shift uncomfortably next to me. He had been present when we freed the Circle Tower, he heard Cullen's confession and along with the other crazy nonsense he was spouting. We never spoke about Cullen after the events at the tower; all I know is that Alistair had pitied him when we found him in that state. Even to this day, he has never breathed a word about the young Templar's supposed feelings for me. Not that those feelings of his existed anymore.

"Hi¸ I'm Alistair" he finally spoke, jabbing out his hand in an offered greeting. "I don't believe we've met, uh, properly"

I watched Cullen's jaw tighten in slight discomfort, hesitating for a moment before moving forward and firmly shaking Alistair's hand. "An honor to meet you Warden Alistair" he said with a small degree of disdain.

Maxwell shifted awkwardly, seemingly sensing the growing discomfort in the room. "Commander Cullen manages the Inquisition's forces." He finally spoke, moving to stand by the Commander. "If you discover any leads on the actions of the Grey Wardens, please do address it with us. We are here to help."

"On the morrow', I will be calling a War Council meeting to discuss the current situation with Corypheus and the Grey Wardens." Maxwell continued, his tone piquing with professionalism. I found myself a bit jealous of the way he commanded with such confidence. "But for now, I believe you two have had a long day. Leliana, would you mind showing Warden Alistair and Warden Amell to their quarters?"

"It would be my pleasure, Inquisitor" Leliana nodded, casually walking in-between myself and Alistair, I felt her briefly brush her hand across my shoulder in a subtle invitation to follow.

"Thank you Inquisitor. I hope we can help the Inquisition resolve this issue quickly." I spoke, turning briefly to face Maxwell.

Maxwell offered a small smile, nodding reassuringly at me before turning to face Josephine. My gaze met Cullen's briefly, his dark brown eyes boring into my own with an unreadable expression. I quickly broke eye contact, turning away and hurriedly following Leliana out of the room.

I have far too many problems right now. This Templar from my past cannot be one of them.

...

Cullen

_Nervous._

_I was so nervous._

_I had not been a true Templar for long; it was a scarce few months ago that I started taking the precious Lyrium that gave me my abilities. _

_Not long after that, the Revered Mother determined that I was ready to begin serving for real. I had not been in training for long, but I was told that I picked up the techniques quickly and no further training was necessary. It was an honor, a true compliment. I was ready to serve the Chantry, but I was nervous._

_I was given a position amongst the Templar ranks at the Circle of Magi in Fereldan. The Circle came off as rather ominous at first; a tall, black spire sitting in the middle of the cold waters of Lake Calenhad. But the insides were not nearly as bad, and the Templars of the Circle were kind and welcoming. They were truly devoted to their duty. I hope I can do the same._

_All new Templars like myself were assigned night patrols. An initiation process I suppose. Once you have seniority, you may opt to take the daytime shifts if you prefer. I was still on night duty myself._

_ I didn't mind it though. The nights were calm and quiet, and I rarely saw any mages save for Senior Enchanters out at night. Apprentices were not allowed to leave their quarters during the night. It was easy work._

_My patrol tonight started out like any other, calm and quiet. I was patrolling the Apprentice floor and had yet to see another soul in the hallways. How surprised I was when I felt the Lyrium flare up in my veins indicating that magic was being used nearby. It was an odd feeling, not one I had felt much as of yet. It wasn't painful, but not comfortable either. It was, however, useful, and an important ability for any good Templar. _

_My senses led me to the Apprentices library where I quickly spotted the culprit. A young woman around the same age as myself crouched in the corner, a small ball of flame alit in her hand to illuminate the book she was reading. _

_I approached her. "Apprentice" I called out as gently as possible._

_Having only done night patrols as of yet, I have little experience dealing with mages outside of the First Enchanter and Senior Enchanters. This is the first time I have spoken to an Apprentice. I was told I was supposed to be firm with them, that I should not let them get away with any rule breaking. I had no plans to let her continue her obvious violation of the Circle's rules, but I saw no reason to be harsh. Mages are people, just like any normal civilian or Templar._

_She jumped at the sound of my voice, dropping her book and quickly extinguishing the ball of flame in her hand. "Ser!" She squeaked out in surprise, hurriedly standing up and turning to face me. _

_"Apprentice, you know you are not supposed to be out of your quarters after hours."_

_She said nothing, making no motion to move out of the corner, the pale glow of her skin the only thing visible without the help of her fire. I grabbed the torch sitting in the holder near the door, moving towards her._

_"What are you doing in here?" I asked, the light from the torch illuminating the corner, bringing her into full view._

_I felt my breath hitch in my throat. She was beautiful. Long dark hair framed her youthful face, falling a few inches below her shoulders. Light blue eyes peered up nervously at me from behind her bangs. She shuffled nervously before lifting her head to make eye contact with me._

_"I'm so sorry Ser." She spoke quickly in obvious attempt to defend her actions. "I couldn't sleep, but I didn't want to disturb the other Apprentices so I thought to come out here and read. I know it's against the rules, I just really wanted to finish this book."_

_I moved the torch downwards, bringing the book she was reading into full view. "The History of Elven Magic." Interesting, she wasn't even an elf herself yet she appears to have an interest in this stuff. I couldn't help but admire her apparently studious nature. A mage that seeks to control and master their abilities is the best kind. It's the weak ones you have to watch out for. _

_I found myself growing increasingly curious about this young mage._

_"I-I see…" Why did I stutter? I must look foolish to her. _

_I began unofficial training with the Templars when I was 13. Due to being within the chantry for most of my teenage and adult life, I had little dealings with women who had not taken vows. Talking to women was not my strong suit. _

_But I am her leader, her boss. One of them at least. And she is one of my charges. I have to remain professional. _

_She remained quiet, shuffling in place and staring awkwardly down at her feet._

_"What is your name, Apprentice?" I asked with a failed attempt at sounding authoritative._

_She hesitated for a moment before responding, blue eyes looking back up at me. "Amell… Solana Amell"_

_Solana Amell. I'll remember that._

_"Are you going to report me to the First Enchanter? I'd understand if you had to…" she spoke wistfully, eyes downcast._

_"No" I spoke quickly without thinking. By not reporting her, I risk getting reprimanded myself, but I couldn't bring myself to get someone so seemingly innocent in trouble. Where was the harm in what she was doing?_

_I reached down and grabbed the book she was reading, staring at it briefly before moving to hand it to her. She hesitantly took it from me. "Come, I'll… I'll take you back to your quarters. You… can continue reading in there if you wish… I won't report you this time, I promise… just-just don't do it again"_

_Stuttering again. Why can't I speak normally? She must think I'm an idiot. _

_I motioned for her to follow me, which she quickly complied to. She walked silently beside me, clutching the book closely to her chest as I led her back to the Apprentice quarters. _

_"Thank you Ser" She spoke quickly, her head dipping into a small, yet respectful bow, blue eyes peering up at me from under her bangs._

_I felt my heart flutter slightly at the motion. Stop. This is not okay. _

_"… Don't worry about it" I whispered as she entered her quarters, shutting the door behind her. I don't know why I said that, there was no way she could have heard me. _

_I found my thoughts drifting to her throughout the night as I continued the rest of my patrol uninterrupted. Stop. I can't be thinking about a mage this way. Mages and Templars are not allowed to fraternize, that was made very clear to us. I cannot get attached to one of my charges._

_She's just attractive, that's all. I'm not used to dealing with women, let alone young, good looking ones. These feelings will pass._

_They will._

I paced around the top of the battlements, fidgeting uncomfortably with the hilt of my sword.

The first time I met Solana Amell, she had looked at me with fear. Fear of getting in trouble, like an abused puppy expecting to be kicked.

I suppose I should be honored that I had been successful in scaring the fabled Hero of Fereldan at one point, even if she was just an inexperienced Apprentice at that time.

Of all the places I expected to encounter her again, it was not here. Most definitely not today.

I was not sure if I wanted to see her again or not.

Because this time she looked at me with an expression that could be mistaken as fear too, but a different kind this time. Her light blue orbs had swirled with distrust, discomfort the moment she laid eyes on me. But this time, she held herself with confidence. There was no fear of punishment.

I was not certain how to react.

But I did not blame her. Last we met… was not under pleasant circumstances. I told her things that I would never say to a person I cared about had I been in my right mind. And at the time, I did care about her, more than I would have liked to.

No doubt she has not forgiven me.

She hardly looked like she had aged a day since I last saw here 11 years ago, but she definitely looked different. Her once long, black hair was now cut above her shoulders, only hanging a few inches below her ears. And while she was by no means "fat" by proper definition when she was at the Circle, she was definitely thinner now. Her once curvaceous body now had the appearance of a rough adventurer, slim muscle lining her arms and legs. Her face, which used to be constantly bright and full of life now held a tired and worn look. No doubt a result of the pressures of Grey Warden life.

Yet somehow, I still found her attractive, even despite the changes in her person. At the circle she was young and innocent, her appearance catering to a more elegant style. Now she held the look of a tough and battle-worn, yet uniquely good looking individual.

I paused, halting my pacing, roughly gripping the hilt of my sword. I was thinking about her visage a bit too much. Did I still have feelings for this woman?

It has been so long, I truly believed that I had forsaken these feelings. At the very least, I hadn't thought about it much over the past several years… until now.

We are no longer bound by the rules of the Circle. She is no longer a Circle mage, and I no longer a Templar. Fraternization… would be permitted now. Yet this time, there appear to be other boundaries in place instead.

Aside from the fact that it is very likely that she hates me now, she came here with another. Her fellow Grey Warden, Alistair.

I heard many tales over the years regaling the adventures of the Grey Wardens Solana Amell and Alistair Theirin on their quest to end the Fifth Blight. Some had even said they were lovers.

For them to have remained together all this time, and then show up at Skyhold together, it appears the rumors hold true.

Not that I would attempt to court her even if they were not together. Considering our positions and past, that would be…. Inappropriate.

But, we will have to work together. This was unavoidable.

I stood at the edge of the battlements, gazing past Skyhold towards the mountains in the distance. The bright light of the moon illuminated the clear night sky, reflecting off of the snowcapped mountaintops below.

Next time I see her, I will get her alone and apologize for the things I said to her. There can be no bad blood between us that might disrupt the goals of the Inquisition.

My crush was a youthful infatuation. Nothing more. I need to ensure it stays that way.

...

Solana

"Ah, a bed. This is nice." Alistair sighed out, falling backwards onto the soft, feather-filled cushion below him.

I peeked over my shoulder at him and smiled. I'm sure I will share the same sentiment once I lied down. It had been some time since we slept in an actual bed. We had been on the run for the past month before we were contacted by Hawke and the Inquisition.

Leliana had spoken with us briefly before retiring to her own quarters about the events surrounding the formation of the Inquisition. The cause of the Divine's death, the attempts to close the Breach, and the destruction of Haven by the supposed ancient-Darkspawn Magister, Corypheus.

Without a doubt, these events had hit Leliana hard. She was still a wonderful person, but no longer the sweet, devoted girl that had helped us stop the Blight. In her place was a hardened spy, no doubt a great asset to the Inquisition, but I do miss the once permanently kind look in her eyes that appears to be absent now. I wonder if this is what she was like in her Bardic days?

I moved over to the old, worn fireplace that accommodated our room, leaning down and conjuring a small ball of fire in my hand to set it aflame. The old pieces of wood burst to life with flame, illuminating the room with ease.

I held out my hands, savoring the warmth that the fire brought. I was always a cold-sensitive person; I had a small glimmering hope that the Inquisition's base would be somewhere warm. Instead, it sat within the crook of the Frostback mountains. Just my luck.

But I suppose there are worse things. Cold climates are certainly the least of my problems right now.

I felt two soft hands snake around my waist, pulling me into a warm body. Alistair rested his head on my shoulder, closing his eyes and sighing in contentment. I smiled and leaned into him.

"So, what do you think of this Inquisition?" He asked me. I watched with minor fascination as light from the fire danced on the muscles of his arms.

"They seem to have a noble purpose. As you know, I'm not horribly religious, but they are our best bet for an ally right now and have the power to help restore order to the Wardens." I spoke honestly. "I'm glad Leliana is here too."

"Indeed, it was good to see her again. Did she seem a bit different to you though?" It's like he read my mind.

I nodded. "Yeah, I suppose time and circumstances change a person. I know I'm hardly the same person I was when I was in the Circle of Magi."

He chuckled lightly. "Nope. You're a beautiful and deadly young woman… although I reckon you were always beautiful."

I smiled to myself, feeling my cheeks flush slightly. Even after all these years, Alistair still threw in those almost excessively sappy, romantic comments. Not that I minded, but it was slightly embarrassing that they still continue to make me blush.

Romance was never my strong suit. I was always on the shy side, and while becoming a Grey Warden strengthened my confidence in many areas, I still remained inexperienced in the ways of relationships. Although Alistair has helped with that quite a bit. I never thought becoming a Grey Warden would lead me to someone as wonderful as him.

"Although I do have to ask…" he spoke again, somewhat warily. "The Commander… Cullen, was it?"

I felt a sinking feeling in my chest. He was going to bring up Cullen, of course he was. Way to ruin the mood Alistair.

"I remember him, back at the Circle Tower. He was the Templar we found in that magical, barrier thingy cage right?"

I swallowed and nodded, a feeling of dread rising in my stomach. He's really going to ask about this. "Yes"

"I recall him saying some pretty crazy things about mages, including a declaration of infatuation for a certain special mage…" He continued. "You."

"Ah… y-yes… I suppose he did…" I replied, struggling to form the words with my mouth.

I really, really didn't want to talk about this right now.

"Not that I blame him" Alistair said quickly, a slight bit of mirth evident in his voice. "You are a _very _special mage." I could almost hear that cheeky grin of his. "But I was just wondering what you thought of it… him…?"

I exhaled the bulk of air I had been holding in my lungs. Alistair was never the jealous type… not that there was anything to be jealous _of_; there was never anything between Cullen and I. It's possible it wasn't even true jealousy, perhaps just curiosity. Either way, there's no reason not to be truthful.

"I met him in the circle tower, obviously… we had spoken a few times during the time I was there, but not much." I responded slowly. "He was also the Templar that observed my Harrowing, as you heard before."

I felt Alistair nod behind me. "Yeah"

"I don't know… he was one of the nicer Templars at the tower, but I didn't think much of him then. We weren't encouraged to speak with the Templars, so I never truly got to know him." I continued with a bit more confidence. "I truly had no idea that he had those feelings for me."

Perhaps that was a bit of a lie. There _were _rumors within the tower about a Templar that had fallen for a mage Apprentice. When someone mentioned that that mage was me, I quickly dismissed it as a lie. I guess the rumor rang true in the end.

"Yeah… I understood that much based on your reaction back then. I just never said anything about it, figured it wasn't worth bringing up something that was in the past." Alistair said in a neutral tone. "But what do you think about him being here…now? … especially considering all those things he said back then."

"I… I don't know. I guess it makes me a little uncomfortable." That was a slight lie too - it makes me a great deal uncomfortable, but Alistair doesn't need to know that. "I don't believe the Inquisition would have given him a position of command if he was still acting as crazy as he was back then… What's in the past is in the past and I'd like to leave it like that. As we talked about before, people change."

Alistair nodded. "True." He responded. "I was just curious as to what you thought. It doesn't bother me."

I felt one of his hands move to rest suggestively on my thigh, the other gently stroking my stomach. "But, forget all that." He said. "We made good progress in the right direction today by allying with the Inquisition… and we have a nice warm bed now to boot…"

He leaned in closer to my ear, nipping my lobe slightly. I suppressed a light shudder that sought to ripple through my body. "What do you say to a little celebrating?" He said huskily.

I smiled, detaching myself briefly from his hands and turning to face him. It had been some time for us; caves weren't exactly the best places for intimacy. I tilted my head up and captured his lips in a kiss, my hands tangling in his hair. I felt his hands roam down to my backside as he walked backwards, urging me to follow him to the bed.

Even in times like these, the whispering song of the pseudo-Calling continued to play over and over in my head. I ignored it.

I tumbled down on top of him as he landed on the bed and he immediately rolled us to position himself on top of me. He bent his head downward into the crook of my neck, softly sucking on the skin there. I felt myself visibly shudder, my hands wandering to his back and tugging at his remaining clothing. He was wearing far too much for this, as was I.

Taking my queue, he stopped briefly to remove the undershirt he was wearing, his briefs quickly following. He then moved to tug at the ties of my robes which I assisted him in shedding from my body. I felt a small sigh escape me as my bare skin came into contact with the cool air. He quickly leaned in to capture my lips in another kiss, which I gleefully responded to.

It had been some time for us indeed, but I couldn't help but sense a bit of possessiveness in the way Alistair made love to me tonight.

...

End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**** Thank you to those who reviewed/favorited/followed since the last chapter, it is appreciated. :) This story will be a bit slow to get started, but keep in mind that in the end, this is a Cullen/Amell story, so expect that. It has been some time since I have written so, if anyone has any suggestions, or has events/scenes they would like to see, go ahead and review and let me know. Any sort of feedback is appreciated :)**

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**This is How We Are**

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Chapter 2

...

Solana

One more try.

Image clear in my mind, I felt the familiar warmth of magic flow through my veins, the awkward, yet surprisingly un-painful feeling as my body conformed to the shape it was willed to.

Two feet went to four, senses heightening to unparalleled heights, the aftermath of the magical affect prickling my skin. Staring down, I saw the familiar fur-coated paws of a wolf.

Not the shape I wanted.

Snorting in disappointment, I quickly reverted out of my animal form, sitting down and allowing my mana to regenerate before trying again.

Shapeshifting magic was difficult. I had been practicing it for over ten years now and have still only managed to learn a handful of new forms.

To become a shapeshifter, you must copy an animal's soul. That's what my mentor used to say. Sadly, it is even more complex than that. You must copy an animal's form within your mind, and then focus your magic to will your body to take a new form. It's very taxing on ones mana and body.

Some animal forms are more difficult to learn than others. Typically animals that are most similar to the human body type are the simplest to learn, such as other mammals. Reptilians, birds… those are the difficult ones. Lore about old shapeshifters claims that the most masterful ones have learned to shapeshift into high dragons.

Sadly I am far away from that point; however it is a personal goal.

Shapeshifting magic, and other naturalistic magic has always fascinated me. Magic utilized by Dalish Elven Keepers to bend the earth is truly remarkable. As I understood from my readings, shapeshifting magic also originated from the ancient elves.

I had always excelled in the primal magic field, and was also able to pick up a bit of force magic when I was still in the Circle. However, the practice of more naturalistic magic was not only impossible due to being confined indoors, but also not encouraged. Only modern fields the Senior Enchanters would say.

I was reaching high with my new shape. A wyvern. I had already captured one and copied data of the animal's form not too long ago.

Now I just had to will my body to take its shape. It's never as easy as it seems, considering my body seems much more willing to conform to the much more familiar wolf form.

One more try.

Once again, I focused my magic, clearly visualizing every contour of the blue and yellow wyvern's body, tapping into the data of the animal's soul that was stored in my head. I felt a familiar tingling feeling as my body began to morph and conform to its new shape.

Seasoned shapeshifters are able to morph into a new form within seconds, but when you are just starting out or learning a new shape, it can take an upwards of a minute to complete the spell and completely morph your body. I was able to morph into familiar shapes with ease, but new and unfamiliar ones took some time to focus my magic and achieve the spell. And the constant, infernal whispering of the Calling made it even more difficult to focus.

At first I thought I had once again taken the shape of the wolf until I looked down and saw several sharp talons in the place of furry paws, soft webbing adorning my ankles.

I felt myself swell with pride. I was successful.

I bounced in excitement in my new form, feet hitting the earth with an ungraceful thump before focusing my attention on a nearby target dummy. Lifting my left foot, I swiped at it with all my might, razor sharp talons ripping it apart with ease.

The wyvern was a powerful animal. While it is no high dragon, I felt proud of myself to be able to take the form of such a formidable beast. I wonder if Morrigan would be impressed.

"Maker! What is that?!"

Startled, I reeled up my head, turning to face the origin of the voice. The fearful eyes of a soldier stared back at me, shakily holding his sword out as he slowly backed away from me.

I guess the people here were not informed of the type of magic I practice.

I couldn't deny that the situation brought me some degree of amusement, but I did not want to be responsible for scaring Inquisition soldiers. I reverted back to my human form, which was always a great deal easier than the original morphing. I watched the soldier's expression change from fear to shock at my transformation.

"Wh-what are you?! Stay back!"

I held my hands up in an effort to show that I was harmless, taking a few steps towards the surprised man, who backed up a few more in response. "Just a normal mage, practicing some magic" I spoke diplomatically "Carry on, soldier"

"Uh-uh, yes." He stammered "Sorry. I didn't know" Hearing that I was a mage didn't seem to calm him much, but he left without any more trouble regardless.

Can't say I was surprised that the religious individuals that make up the Inquisition were untrusting of magic, especially in spite of the Mage Rebellion.

"Do not worry" A calm male voice spoke behind me. "The people here are wary of mages, but they have been getting used to our presence."

I turned and came face to face with a middle age, elven man. He was relatively tall for an elf, around the same height as myself, and somewhat lacking in the hair department. Along with his comment that suggested as such, the subtle pulls of the fade that seemed to radiate around him gave it away immediately that he was also a mage. He lacked the vallaslin markings that most Dalish elves had though, perhaps he was also a Circle mage?

"Yes, I suppose I shouldn't be practicing my magic so publicly here… I try to begin every morning with a short training session. Keeps my skills sharp" I offered him a polite smile. "I don't believe we have met though, my name is Solana Amell."

"And my name is Solas, I've been… assisting the Inquisition with their endeavors" He replied calmly, his tone smooth. "So you are a shapeshifter? Impressive magic, for a human. It is rare to see a Circle mage practicing an art that is so often condemned by your chantry."

I chose to ignore that subtle, backhanded compliment. Although I found it odd that he believed that, considering that the only other shapeshifters I have met have also been human. Although Morrigan did say that the magic form originated from ancient elves, and is still practiced by some Dalish Keepers.

"I suppose" I shrugged. "But I am no longer a Circle mage, I am a Grey Warden. The Wardens do not disallow any type of magic as long as it assists in fighting Darkspawn."

"So I have heard" He replied with a degree of disdain. "Although I am curious where you have learned such magic, I highly doubt many other shapeshifters exist amongst the Wardens."

"I was taught by an old friend" I replied truthfully, although I did not elaborate further. Morrigan made it clear that she did not want to be found when she left after the defeat of the Blight, and I did not seek to give away unnecessary information about her person which might put her in the spotlight.

"Although I do not practice it myself, I have encountered many mages that have mastered the art of shapeshifting in my time." He continued in his calm tone. "Although I have not seen the magic used lately. I am pleased to see the art still exists, even if it is through a human Grey Warden."

I narrowed my eyes at him. What is with this guy? "Do you have a problem with the Grey Wardens?"

"The Grey Wardens tamper with, and attempt to destroy forces they do not understand. Wanting to protect the world from being ravaged by Darkspawn is a commendable purpose, but they do it… poorly." He spoke somewhat snidely.

What does he know about Grey Wardens? Would he rather we not exist and the world be destroyed by the Blight? I did not intend for a conversation to escalate so quickly with a person I had just met, but I couldn't let this person smear what I had spent the last eleven years of my life fighting for.

"Then perhaps you should enlighten us so we can do it better, since you seem to know so-"

"Am I interrupting something?" The mirthful voice of Hawke spoke behind us. "It's like a mage party over here; I couldn't miss out on all the fun."

"Ah, no, I was just leaving" Solas spoke, returning to his polite tone. "It was a pleasure to meet you Grey Warden."

The Elven man took his leave without another word, calmly, yet confidently walking towards Skyhold's throne room and leaving Hawke and myself alone in the courtyard.

Can't say I was unhappy that he left. I had expected that the other mages here would be the most welcoming. How wrong I was.

"Such a charming fellow, isn't he?" Hawke spoke with a degree of sarcasm the moment he was out of earshot.

"He's… something. That's for sure." I responded wryly.

"Anyways" Hawke continued. "I was sent to collect you for the War Council meeting. The Inquisitor wants you to attend."

"Of course. I will go immediately." I spoke with a subtle nod of affirmation. "Has Alistair been informed? He was still sleeping last I saw…"

"It took several knocks to wake him up, but yes he has been." Hawke replied, her amusement clear as day. "With any luck, he's already there."

"Ah… that does sound like him." I couldn't hold back the small smile that crept onto my face.

"Anyways, come along now Cousin. We wouldn't want to keep the beloved Inquisitor waiting."

…

Cullen

"I received word from Prince Sebastian Vael of Starkhaven, Inquisitor." I heard Josephine speak up. "He has agreed to help the Inquisition with anything we might need. He also included a fair sum of gold in his response to us; it is currently in the vault."

"Great! Having Starkhaven's assistance will be beneficial indeed." Maxwell responded with optimism.

I was only partly listening to them as I attempted to decipher the maps provided to us by Solana and Alistair. They appeared to be markers of all the secret Grey Warden bases in Orlais and Fereldan. Many of these were not represented on normal maps.

I placed another small pin on the war table map, marking the location of the Grey Warden foothold in the Western Approach. Maker, there are a lot of them. How come Blackwall couldn't tell us about these sooner?

I looked up when I heard the creak of the door opening and felt my stomach tighten when I saw Solana enter, Hawke and the other Grey Warden named Alistair close by her side.

"I found them." Hawke said, grinning from ear to ear. "Are we ready to start?"

Maxwell turned his attention from Josephine to acknowledge the three newcomers to the room. "Welcome to the War Room, Wardens. I'm glad you were able to join us here." He spoke, his arms outstretched as if gesturing to the entire room. "This is where we meet to determine the Inquisition's next course of action. Since you two are so deeply involved in the current conflict with the Grey Wardens, I had hoped you would be a part of this discussion."

"Of course. I would be concerned if you did not involve us." Solana responded in a polite tone. "I trust those maps we provided have been useful so far?"

"Ah, yes they have. Cullen has spent much of the morning further investigating them." Maxwell said, gesturing towards me. "Have you been able to find anything yet Cullen?"

"Not yet, unfortunately." I responded as professionally as I possibly could. "I've just been mapping out the locations of the Grey Warden bases that we know of… I am a bit confused about this map though." I pointed to one of the more cryptic maps that laid out on the table. "I'm not sure what it means."

I looked up at Solana, who appeared mildly surprised at my willingness to make eye contact with her. Or perhaps it was discomfort, I couldn't tell. That _was_ probably the most coherent sentence I've ever spoken around her. She might be surprised at the fact that I was no longer the stumbling fool she used to know me as.

"Oh, that one." She responded somewhat quietly, moving closer to the table. "This is how we determined that the Calling was only being heard by Grey Wardens within Orlais. Something that Alistair had figured out, actually."

I did not know much about this Calling that Grey Wardens supposedly heard. Leliana had briefed me on it before the meeting, but I couldn't pretend I knew what it felt like without hearing it myself. Only that it was bad that all the Grey Wardens are hearing it.

My gaze shifted from her to her Grey Warden friend, who continued for her. "We were able to determine that only Grey Wardens within these boundaries." He pointed towards the thick red line that encircled much of Orlais on the map. "We contacted some Grey Wardens we knew in Fereldan and the Free Marches, and they confirmed that none of them were hearing the Calling prematurely. Only the Wardens in Orlais."

"I see." I responded somewhat neutrally. "We have a Grey Warden in the fortress - Blackwall… he has not mentioned hearing anything about a Calling as of late."

"Nor has he said anything about corruption within the Grey Warden ranks, or secret Grey Warden bases." Leliana added on.

"Ah, well, only high ranking and senior Grey Wardens are given maps of all the Warden bases and footholds that are present in Thedas." Solana responded. "Alistair and I are - er, _were _both high ranking within the Order. It's possible that the Warden here is not." She stared down briefly at the maps on the table. "… It is strange that he is not hearing the Calling though… every other Warden we know in Orlais is…"

"Wait, did you say Blackwall?" I looked to Alistair, who was staring directly at me. "My old mentor Duncan mentioned a Blackwall once. He _is _a senior Grey Warden, and a very respected one within the Order."

"That is an _interesting _revelation." Leliana said, her voice laced with suspicion.

"Yes, I had been wondering about that…" Maxwell said in a neutral tone. "I will talk to him."

Odd. Blackwall had pledged to help the Inquisition, and had even provided us with the Grey Warden treaties in attempt to help our cause. He is a very reserved man, but I don't see why he would keep these kinds of things from us. Perhaps there is more to the story of why he was helping random villagers on the Storm Coast instead of being with the rest of his Order.

"During my last encounter with Corypheus, he was able to control the minds of the Grey Wardens that were nearby where he was being held." Hawke added on. "Perhaps he is able to pick and choose which Grey Wardens hear this fake Calling, similar to how he can select which ones he controls."

"It's certainly a possibility." Maxwell responded. "As I said, I'll speak with him and see what he has to say."

A moment of silence fell over the group before Solana spoke again. "Anyways, I think that we should investigate some of these bases. We heard from a contact of our that Warden Commander Clarel is no longer at the Warden Keep, it's possible that they may be continuing their activities in one of our lesser known bases…"

"I would agree with that." I responded. It seems like a decent lead. Solana's head jerked to look at me, as if shocked that I was approving of her suggestion.

"Indeed." Maxwell said. "Leliana, do you think some of your people could investigate these locations?"

"Of course" Leliana responded. "I will send some of my scouts to check into this immediately."

…

"Commander" I briefly glanced up from the report I was reading, silently regarding the messenger that was addressing me. "I've come to deliver you a report from Josephine regarding Prince Sebastian Vael. He has offered to provide us with some soldiers from Starkhaven."

There was always something to do. In the aftermath of the War Council meeting, I had to go about my daily routine at Skyhold. First, running the soldiers through their training drills - exhausting work I might add. It is amazing that some of them are still alive considering the skill, or lack of thereof, in training. After that, it's off to my office to go through paperwork until the day is done. It's a lot of work, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to give it up.

"Thank you. You may set it on my desk." I responded as he hastily did so, briefly pausing to glance up at me. "That will be all."

I glanced up again to see the familiar face of Hawke enter the room as the messenger hurriedly left. She winked at him as they passed each other before casually approaching my desk.

"I don't even get a 'hello'?" She spoke with mock hurt. "And here I thought we were friends."

I sighed. It has been a long day; I wasn't necessarily interested in dealing with Hawke right now. "Hello Hawke"

"Sooo, Commander of the Inquisition. Fancy title there." She spoke with mirth, choosing to ignore my somewhat begrudging greeting. "Quite the step up from Knight Captain too. You are enjoying our lovely Inquisitor's leadership more than Meredith's I trust?"

I huffed out a dry laugh in response. "Do you even have to ask?"

"I figured." She said, waving her hand in a dismissive manner. "It's not necessarily a high bar."

"Is there something I can help you with Hawke?" I asked, unamused.

She grinned at me. "Just catching up with my favorite Templar from Kirkwall."

I sighed. Hawke isn't a bad person, her heart has always been in the right place, but sometimes she was just so… excessive. "Right. Is there something you wanted to know?"

"Ever since my dear cousin has joined this little Inquisition, I'm reminded of something..."

I froze, feeling my jaw go slack at her comment. She wasn't really going to talk about Solana with me was she? How would she even know about our previous relationship?

"I recall you saying something to me in the Gallows soon after I recovered my family's lost fortune. What was it you said? Oh yeah!" She repositioned herself into a mocking, thoughtful looking stance, thumb rubbing her chin as if in deep contemplation. "'I knew an Amell once…'" She said in crude, mocking mimicry of my voice. I felt the heat rise to my face. "'She was a special woman, never met her like again…'"

I felt my jaw tense up, cheeks burning as if they were on fire. I sincerely hoped that I did not look like a tomato, although I think that was too much to hope for.

"Aww, you're blushing. That's cute." She smiled at me, blue eyes dancing with mirth. "No need to be embarrassed. I was just… curious, and now my question has been answered."

"It's not what you think." I responded quickly, unable to make eye contact with her.

"Oh?" She spoke, moving closer to me. "Then what is it then?"

"I… that is private." I sincerely was not interested in speaking with Hawke of all people about what I thought of her cousin.

"Ohh, I see. Did you two perhaps have a little tryst back at the Circle? I hear sexual tension runs high in there."

"Maker's breath, no." I felt my cheeks burning even more. Hawke was a bold one, that's for sure.

"Then…" She leaned in closer, placing her hand firmly on the stack of reports that laid loosely on my desk. "What is it then? People don't say those things 'just because'"

I sighed, standing up in attempt to garner more distance between myself and Hawke. "If you must know, since you seem so _insistent_" I replied with reluctance. "I had a bit of a… youthful crush on her when we were both still at the Circle in Fereldan."

I watched Hawke's mouth split into a grin. "Aww, that's adorable." I felt my cheeks flare up once again. "But…" She gazed up at me, her grin subsiding. "You don't still have that crush, do you?"

"No." I lied.

Her mouth twitched into a small smile in response. "I see." She replied. "Don't mind me, I was just curious." She waved her hand dismissively. "And don't worry; your secret is safe with me."

I sighed again, walking back over to my desk. "If you don't mind… I have a lot of work to do."

"Of course, Commander" Hawke spoke with a degree of mirth, a wry smile pulling at the corner of her mouth as she casually moved towards the door.

"And Commander" Hawke spoke again, pausing at the door and glancing over her shoulders at me. "Should you require a break from your work this evening, you should join us at the tavern… Solana will be there." She winked at me before shutting the door behind her.

I groaned. Maker, why did it have to be Hawke that figured it out of all people? I knew I never should have said that to her. I can only hope she stays true to her word and _doesn't _tell everyone in Skyhold.

…

Solana

To see so many happy, inebriated people in one room almost felt unnatural. It has been some time since I have even set foot in a tavern, let alone participated in the consumption of alcohol. The Inquisitor had insisted that we join him for drinks this evening. Eases and tension and breaks down barriers he had said.

I was unsure of how I felt about that, but I obliged anyways. I've never been horribly social, and moving beyond just idle acquaintanceship with the leader of the Inquisition, the fabled Herald of Andraste, was somewhat unnerving to me to say the very least. This was aside from the fact that I did not drink much. It was not so bad though. As expected, he wanted to hear the tale of how I earned the title "Hero of Fereldan", which I obliged to, although I played it down a great deal. My version of the tale was not nearly as grandiose as Alistair's.

"Ah, here we go!" Maxwell exclaimed, ungracefully plunking two more mugs down on the table. "Only the finest ale the Inquisition has to offer"

"Oh yes, it is quite nice." I grasped the mug, holding it up to my face and sniffing the contents. It faintly reminded me of the smell of rotting Darkspawn. Maybe not so nice.

I hesitantly took a sip of it regardless, out of politeness if nothing else. Fortunately, it did not taste nearly as bad as it smelled.

I glanced over at Alistair, who was currently chatting with a rather imposing looking Qunari. I had only known one Qunari in my life, and this one… was not similar to him in any way. Aside from the presence of horns, it was immediately obvious that this particular Qunari held very different values. It was difficult to imagine Sten drinking and laughing like old friends with a person he had just met, although the thought did bring a smile to my face.

Maxwell took a seat across from me, taking a quick swig of his ale. "So, before you became a Grey Warden, you were a part of the Fereldan Circle?"

I nodded, although somewhat hesitantly. Considering recent events, I worried on where this conversation might be going. I was trying my best to keep my mind off of Cullen and related matters. There were more important things at hand. "Yes, I was."

"How would a Circle mage become a Grey Warden? I can't imagine it would be easy to get in contact with the Order, I hear they keep a pretty tight lock on the mages there."

"Ah, it's a pretty long story."

Maxwell spread his arms in a welcoming gesture, mouth cracking into a grin. "Well, I'm here, and we have all night."

"It's really not that exciting, but as you wish." I responded. "My friend… well, someone I _thought _was my friend found out he was going to be made tranquil."

"Tranquil? Where they cut off all ties to magic in a mage, right?"

I nodded in affirmation. "Yes, all ties to magic and emotion. A magical lobotomy if you will. Anyways, this friend had developed a relationship with a priest initiate that resided at the Circle." I continued. "These sorts of relationships are… forbidden, but he chose to pursue it anyways. When he found out he was going to be made tranquil, the two hatched a plan to escape the Circle together… and they asked for my help to do it."

"I see. I imagine that did not end well."

"No. It didn't" I responded, shaking my head to emphasize the point. "I did not approve of their relationship, but I didn't think I could stand to see my friend be made tranquil. I agreed to help them. I assisted them in breaking into the Phylactery Chamber, where my friend successfully destroyed his own phylactery. Without his phylactery, the Templars would not have been able to track him, he would have been able to escape with ease. But..." I took a deep breath before continuing. "But, the Templars, they knew we were up to something and ambushed us outside of the chamber. My friend… he used blood magic to escape, but I was left behind. I was going to be punished in his stead, but it just so happened that a Grey Warden recruiter was present at the Circle. Duncan… He… conscripted me into the Grey Wardens, and I have remained one ever since."

"That… well… I'm sorry that happened, to say the very least." Maxwell said, offering a sympathetic smile. "Did you want to join the Wardens at the time?"

"Truthfully? No." I responded, taking a sip of my drink. "I had always been curious to see what was outside of the Circle Tower, but not in that fashion. It felt a bit like going from one cage to another. But in time, I grew into it. Now I can't even imagine not being a Grey Warden."

"Indeed. I felt similarly when I first obtained this mark-" Maxwell held up his right hand, I felt a tug of magic as it briefly glowed an iridescent green. "But I have since realized all the good I can do with it¸ and the good I can do by leading the Inquisition."

"So" I said, taking the opportunity to change the subject before he brought up Cullen. "You've heard my life story, how about yourself? What led you to become 'The Inquisitor'?"

I already knew this story… sort've. Leliana had explained a bit on what happened at the Conclave, and how they had ended up here at Skyhold. It would still be interesting to hear his side of it.

"Ah, now that is an interesting one" He spoke, folding his arms on the table and leaning towards me. "Would you believe that I started out a prisoner of the Inquisition?"

"Really?" I replied. How could the elevate someone who began as a captive to a position of leadership? "That seems so… bizzare, considering you are technically the leader now."

He nodded. "Indeed. My family, House Trevelyan, is actually a noble family from Ostwick. We have fairly strong ties to the chantry, so I was sent as an ambassador to the Conclave to help negotiate a peace treaty between the mages and Templars. I'm presuming Grey Wardens knew of the Mage-Templar war?"

"Yes." I responded. "It was a bit hard to ignore quite frankly."

I'm sure I would have been right there with my fellow mages had I not become a Grey Warden.

"Well, something happened. I'm not quite sure what, but there was an explosion at the conclave – the one that formed the Breach." Maxwell continued. "It killed the Divine, and everyone else who was present at the Conclave… except for me. Cassandra thought, and reasonably so, that I was the one responsible for it."

"And then Cassandra did what she does best: Brutal interrogations." A voice from behind interrupted in a mirthful, yet matter-of-fact tone.

I turned towards the voice to see a blonde-haired dwarf, one lacking a beard nonetheless. I recognized him from my first meeting with the Inquisitor, but I never got his name.

"Well, yes, but it's not as if she had no reason to suspect me." Maxwell responded, waving off the dwarf's comment.

"Sure, sure. I'll ask you again next time she decides she wants you bound and gagged."

"How do you know she hasn't already?" Maxwell winked, mouth tugging into a coy smile.

The dwarf coughed out a dry laugh in response. "You and me both know you haven't gotten to that stage yet. But keep trying, you'll get there."

I had half expected Maxwell to be offended at this man speaking so boldly to him about what appeared to be his love life, but instead he threw his head back into a hearty laugh. "What can I say, I'm patient. But anyways, Solana, this is Varric."

Interesting, he chose to use my first name instead of my title this time. Not that I minded, I disliked the fact that many often chose to address me with a title instead of my name. It was a welcome change.

"At your service, Warden." The dwarf called Varric responded, dipping into a small bow. "Anyways, I did not mean to interrupt our lovely Inquisitor's story. Please continue."

"As I was saying." Maxwell continued. "I started off as a prisoner, but once it was quickly proven that I was not responsible for the explosion and this mark-" He gestured to his right hand. "Has the power to close rifts and, with some extra magic, the Breach as well. I didn't become the official leader until just recently, but that's the jist of how it happened."

"And no matter how many times I hear it, it still sounds too crazy to be real." Varric responded with a chuckle.

"But seeing is believing is it not?" The immediately recognizable voice of Hawke spoke behind us. She casually walked around us and seated herself at the other side of the table. "Come now Varric, we've run into stuff _at least _half that crazy in Kirkwall."

Varric barked out a laugh. "You can say that again."

"Since we're trading stories, our master storyteller should tell the one about how our lovely Knight Commander turned into a statue." Hawke said, glancing between myself and Varric. "I'm sure my dear cousin would love to hear stories of Templars gone crazy."

"All right, all right." Varric responded. "But I think we need some more drinks for this one."

…

I groaned, pushing myself up to prop myself on the baseboard of the bed. I rubbed my forehead, wiping off the small beads of sweat that had formed. I couldn't sleep…

Although I had more to drink tonight than I have in a long time, it was not related to the alcohol. The Calling… at some times, I could barely stand in. The whispering, the songs, they grow so loud that I cannot block them out.

Meeting and spending time with the members of the Inquisition today was nice, I admit it was one of the first times I was able to let my guard down in some time. But it did little to take my mind off of the ever persisting presence of the Calling.

I looked over at Alistair who was snoring slightly on the other side of the bed. He had passed out soon after we had returned from the Tavern. I carefully reached out and stroked his hair, causing him to stir slightly in response. He looks so peaceful when sleeping, but I know he hears it just as loudly as I do.

I sighed and got out of bed. I'll take a walk; that usually helps clear my head.

…

Cullen

The night was peaceful and quiet as always. One perk to my quarters and office residing on the battlements is that it had the best kind of view. I would often come up here to clear my head, and I certainly did need it today.

The Inquisition's work is never done. No, it has only just begun. And it showed too, not a day went by where I didn't have piles of paperwork to go through and multitudes of drills to run the soldiers through. And now, the presence of Solana has served to be an even larger distraction.

I _still _had feelings for her. Even after all these years. I wanted to deny it, but that would be denying the cold, hard truth.

And people were already starting to figure it out. Hawke never struck me as overly perceptive. Vocal, yes, but not perceptive and even she had already voiced her suspicions. It worried me that others might know as well.

It would be better if she wasn't here. For me, at least, perhaps not for the Inquisition. I know how respected she is by denizens and organizations all over Thedas. Even those wary of the Grey Wardens respect her for her heroism during the Fifth Blight. And I could not deny that the maps provided to us by her were a great help indeed.

Yet for me, she was a _distraction_.

Despite our little interaction since her arrival, I found my thoughts frequently drifting to her throughout the day. I should be thinking about more important things, not some mage that I had crushed on during my Templar days.

I had told myself that I would talk to her. It was plainly obvious that she did not trust me, and I, quite frankly, was not entirely comfortable around her either. I thought that talking to her would hopefully put both our minds at ease so that we could focus on more important matters. I wanted us to be able to see each other as normal people, maybe even be friends. Yet… I could not work up the courage to pull her aside and do so.

I, the Commander of the Inquisition, am allowing myself to be defeated by my fear of a woman with a pretty face. Embarrassing.

I sighed, leaning over the edge of the battlements, inhaling the clear fresh air of the night. The wind was chill, causing my exposed skin to prickle as it blew gently against me. At least I can clear my head out here.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I nearly jumped when I heard the door creek open, indicating that there was someone else out here. At first, I assumed it would be a guard. I was certainly surprised when the short dark hair and familiar robes of Solana Amell came into view.

The Maker does have a sense of humor.

Upon spotting me, she jumped, a surprised expression flashing across her face. She probably didn't expect to find anyone else out here either. "A-ah, I'm very sorry, I didn't know you were out here."

"Wait." I called out as she turned to leave. I almost didn't say anything, but it was either not or never. I couldn't chicken out again. Time to make things right.

She stopped, staring over her shoulder at me without saying a word. "Can we talk?" I asked, moving closer to her, hoping she didn't notice the beads of sweat that were forming on my forehead.

"I… um, sure." She cautiously moved towards me, stopping a couple feet away, light blue eyes warily meeting my own. "What did you want to talk about?"

I sighed. She's been avoiding this, I know she has. "I figured we would have a lot to talk about, considering…"

How do I put this?

Her eyes narrowed slightly, her look growing increasingly wary. "If I'm not mistaken" She spoke. "Last we spoke; you said you never wanted to see me again. You called for the execution of myself, and all mages - many of which were my friends mind you. What more is there to talk about after that?"

Under that attempt at a spiteful tone, there was a degree of hurt that was present too. I knew what I said back then was hurtful, but has it really bothered her this much after ten years?

"I never called for your execution…" I responded, momentarily avoiding eye contact with her.

"But you would have, had I not been a Warden." She responded in a quiet tone. "I would have been just another evil mage that needed to be annulled to you. How do you expect me to take that? We're both part of the Inquisition now and we have to work together, but that doesn't require that we be friends."

"I'd like us to…" I responded in a tone that sounded far more longing than I had intended. At least I had gotten over the stuttering thing – for the most part anyways. She looked at me in response, seemingly shocked that I would even suggest such a thing. Maybe this was a bad idea… "Apprenti- I mean _Solana_, I was in a poor state of mind when you found me at the Circle Tower. I had watched my friends get murdered by abominations, and then tortured myself. It was difficult to see anything past my own hatred for them."

She shifted the weight on her feet slightly, eyes downcast. I heard her mumble out a quiet "I know" in response.

"I'm not that person. I was never that person. It _is _more difficult to trust mages now, but I realize that not all mages are like that. You're not." She looked back up at me, blue eyes swirling with an unreadable emotion. I took a deep breath and continued. "My point is I regret the things I said to you back then. They were the ramblings of a mad man, and I am sorry you had to be on the receiving end of them."

A moment of silence passed between us. My face began to pale with the fear that I had just laid out my emotions regarding the most vulnerable experience of my life, and she would shoot me down. I never knew her to be that type of person, but I had no idea how she had changed since I knew her at the Circle. I felt my breath hitch in my throat when I saw her open her mouth to speak, nervous of what her response would be.

"I… I understood why you had acted the way you did." She responded. "I cannot say with certainty I would not have acted the same, had I been in your situation. But you can also not blame me for distrusting you after that."

I exhaled the bulk of air I was holding in. "No, I don't." I responded truthfully.

"The innocent mages had suffered just as much as the Templars during Uldred's attack on the Tower. Going back there and seeing the people I had practiced magic with, grown up with, known as friends _dead _on the ground was one of the hardest experiences of my life…" She responded quietly, once again avoiding eye contact with me. "Then to see you calling for the deaths of the few remaining mages that were saved… it wasn't easy."

It dawned on me that I had never even thought about the mage's side of what happened at the Circle Tower. I was so blinded by my own hatred at the time that I never even thought that Solana had suffered similarly to what I had, returning to see the place she grew up in destroyed, and many of her peers dead.

"For what it's worth." I responded "I am glad now that the Knight Commander did not agree to my request."

"I am too…" She replied in a pensive tone.

A moment of silence passed before she spoke again, light blue eyes fixating on my own. "While I am not certain that we will ever truly be able to be _friends_, I accept your apology, Commander." I felt my muscles tense at the use of my title instead of my actual name. Not something that ever bothered me when others used it, but somehow it did with her. "I hope that we can work together with no bad blood between us."

"Yes, I hope so too." I responded wistfully.

I had wondered why she was choosing not to bring up the other things I had said to her that day. The confession of my feelings. Perhaps it was out of politeness or maybe she had simply forgotten, I did not know which. A part of me was glad that she didn't, but the other part wanted to talk about it too.

"I… I should get back to my quarters." She said, fidgeting slightly with the arm hems of her robes. "Alistair will worry if I am gone too long."

I felt a brief pang of jealousy shoot through my body at the mention of her Grey Warden friend. They are together. The rumors are true.

Not that there was any chance of an 'us' even if they were not.

"Right" I cleared my throat in attempt to sound formal. "I should get back to mine as well."

She smiled sweetly at me. The same smile that used to make my heart flutter so many years ago. It still did, even if it appeared more forced this time. "Good night Commander." She said before turning to leave.

"Wait, Solana." I spoke, taking a few steps towards her. "It is… it's good to see you again. Truly."

"… You as well, Comman- _Cullen_" I perked up at the use of my name instead of my title. "…Perhaps we can talk more another day..." And with that, she shut the door behind her, leaving me alone on the battlements.

Healing our relationship will take time for sure, but this was a step in the right direction. We were both wounded by the events at the Circle of Fereldan.

I will never expect her to return the feelings I have for her, even if the thought pains me. But I do hope that she is wrong, and that we are able to at least be friends.

…

_Six months._

_I had been a loyal Templar of the Circle of Fereldan for six months now._

_It has been long enough that I was now given daytime shifts amongst the occasional night shift. While the nights were calm and quiet, I did find myself preferring to keep watch over the mages during the day as opposed to patrolling silently by myself in the night. _

_Today, I was assigned to my favorite guard spot. The Apprentice floor. _

_I silently stood watch in the corner of the training room watching the young mages practice their spells. A Senior Enchanter paced calmly around the room, observing the efforts of his students and correcting them where needed. Jalen, I think his name was? He was a nice man; skilled in magic, calm, patient. _

_Regardless of the multitude of young mages in the room, I still found my attention drifting to one in particular. _

_Apprentice Solana Amell. I never did forget her name. _

_I had not spoken to her since I caught her in the process of breaking the Circle's rules several months ago, but I did stay true to my word and keep her violation a secret. _

_I was ashamed to say that all it took was a pretty face and a cute smile to make me fall for someone, but it was the truth. I hated to admit it, but I had developed something of a crush on this mage. _

_Upon the realization that what I thought of her was more than just a passing physical attraction, I prayed relentlessly, hoping to scald the thoughts from my mind. I did not want to have feelings for a mage. I couldn't. However I have since come to terms with the fact that I did have these feelings, and that simple praying was not enough to make them go away. I hated it, but at the same time it felt oddly good to care for another in such a way. _

_Either way, I could never act upon these feelings. Even if she were to feel the same for me by some bizarre chance, it was against the rules for Templars and mages to have such… relations. So I resigned myself to watch in silence, with the expectation that this was just a minor crush that would leave me with time. _

_I watched her, poised elegantly a few yards away from a practice target, a book in one hand and the other free, facing palm out towards the target. I felt the familiar prickling feeling of the Lyrium flaring in my veins as a ball of energy slowly manifested in her palm. A strong bolt of lightning was sent hurdling towards the target, leaving a prominent black scorch near its center._

_"Very good Apprentice Amell!" Senior Enchanter Jalen praised. "You have quite a talent for the Primal fields"_

_Closing her book, Solana turned and offered a small smile to the older man. I felt my heart flutter slightly at the action, even though it was not directed towards me. "Thank you Senior Enchanter, I really enjoy practicing in this field." _

_"I would be happy to teach you some of the more advanced spells, if you'd be interested." He spoke to her, a touch of pride at the success of his student evident in his voice. "We don't normally teach these spells to Apprentices, but I think you will do just fine with them." _

_"I would really like that Senior Enchanter, thank you!" She beamed at him. I smiled quietly to myself, it was nice to see her so happy._

_I continued to watch in silence as the Senior Enchanter conjured a large hunk of stone, levitating it above his hand briefly before sending it flying towards the target. After some direction, he instructed Solana to attempt the same, which she managed with ease._

_I can't say I was surprised she was successful. I had a hunch from the moment I met her that she would be one of the more skilled Apprentices. _

_"Very nice!" He said, voice swelling with pride at the success of his student. "Unfortunately, I can't continue to attend to you personally Apprentice Amell, as there are others here that need instruction, but here." He handed her a relatively thick book which she eagerly took from him. "This book has instructions about some of the more advanced Primal spells. Read through it at your leisure and feel free to attempt some of them if you like." _

_Book in one hand and the other free for casting; I continued to watch as she slowly practiced the new magic she had learned from the book. Some spells she was immediately successful at, others took her a few attempts, but she always managed to get it right in the end. It was somewhat entrancing that with each cast, the force from the magic would cause her hair to flutter gracefully behind her. The look in her eyes when she weaved her spells was so focused and determined. I was supposed to be watching everyone in the room, but I found it difficult to take my eyes off of her for long. _

_An hour had passed and the class had finished. Solana opted to stay afterwards and continue practicing her magic, something that was permitted so long as a Templar remained in the room. I volunteered. _

_Another hour passed, and I had missed dinner, yet I didn't mind. It was rather nice, even the feeling of the Lyrium in my veins in response to the magic was somewhat soothing, as long as it was only her magic causing it. _

_ I found my thoughts drifting to wonder what she looked like under her robes. Her soft, milky skin completely exposed for me and me alone. Mine to claim. _

_No. Stop. I can't be thinking about these things._

_ "Um, ser?"_

_Startled out of my own thoughts, I glanced down to see the light blue orbs of Solana staring up at me. "Y-yes?" I stammered out in response._

_"I, um, I just wanted to let you know that I was done practicing for the night." She said in response. "Thank you so much for letting me stay late." _

_"It's- it's not a problem. A-anytime…"Why oh why can I not speak clearly around her? This is so embarrassing._

_I watched her quickly glance from side to side before settling her gaze on me again. "You're the same Templar that caught me in the library back then, aren't you?" She asked in a whisper. _

_"Ah, um, yes, I suppose I am…" I responded quietly, awkwardly shifting the weight on my feet. _

_"Thank you, again, for that, and thank you again for looking out for me today. I really do appreciate it…" She spoke rather timidly. It seems she's not nearly as confident in social situations as she is when practicing magic. It was a bit cute. "Do you uh, mind if I know your name, Ser? I don't know if we're allowed to know the names of Templars… but I'm curious…" _

_"Of-of course." I stammered out, somewhat shocked at the subtle offer of mutual acquaintanceship on her part. "You… you can call me Cullen." _

_She smiled sweetly at my response which made my heart flutter. "Thank you. My name is Solana, in case you have forgotten…" Of course I haven't. "I hope you have a good night, Ser Cullen." _

_With that, she turned and walked quietly out of the room, the book the Senior Enchanter gave her clutched tightly to her chest. I found my gaze wandering south as I watched her leave the room. Her skin looks so soft… I only wish…_

_No. No. No. Stop. I can't be thinking about this._

_Maker. I need to pray._

…

End Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: ****I don't know if anyone even still reads this, but I am sooo sorry it had almost been a year since the update. There is a reason for that though, that being that I lost the almost complete version of this chapter four different times (computer crashing, etc. bleh – that's what I get for using a dirt old laptop to write) and had to re-write it that many times. Needless to say, I kind've got tired to constantly writing the same thing, so here we are almost a year later with the update But, I finished the chapter now. So I hope you guys enjoy it! **

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**This is How We Are**

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…

**Chapter 3**

…

Solana

"Inquisitor please, I implore you to reconsider."

"No, Solana. It has already been decided, you will remain here for this mission." Maxwell replied flatly as he waded his way through the masses of Orlesian nobles in the throne room while I followed closely at his heel.

"Inquis-Maxwell," I insisted, ignoring the sidelong glances of the nearby nobles at the informal use of the Inquistor's first name. "I _need_ to be on this mission. The Grey Wardens are my responsibility; I need to be there to see what is going on with my own eyes."

"That is why we are allowing Alistair to accompany us. I won't deny the fact that we need at least one Grey Warden with us for this mission, but it is too dangerous for you specifically to come with us. Alistair is a far lower risk, we have already talked about this," Maxwell responded without even sparing a glance back at me, his tone growing increasingly stern.

"Alistair is at just as much of a risk of being influenced by Corypheus as I am. We are both hearing the Calling equally strong," I urged, increasing my pace to keep up with Maxwell. "I am higher ranking in the Order, I have a larger impact amongst the Grey Wardens than Alistair. If I could be there, they might-"

"Solana," Maxwell stopped and turned around, eyes hardened as he stared at me. "I have the utmost respect for you as both a Grey Warden and a mage, and I hate to make generalizations, but you are a _mage_. It has already been proven that Corypheus's main influence is over the Grey Warden magi."

"But-" Maxwell held up his hand, cutting me off.

"-It is possible that he does have the capabilities to enthrall the warrior Grey Wardens as well, but an enthralled warrior is far less dangerous than an enthralled mage," Maxwell continued. "If Alistair were to fall under Corypheus's influence, we could detain him with much greater ease than a mage with the capabilities to summon demons and use blood magic. We do need a Grey Warden to come with us, and Alistair is a _far _lesser risk than you are."

"Yes, you made that point before but-"

"Solana, the _decision is final_." Maxwell interrupted, voice coated with that authoritative tone as would be expected of someone who leads the inquisition. "You will remain here while we investigate the Western Approach. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot to do in preparation for our departure, as we are hoping to leave tomorrow. We will talk more later."

And with that, Maxwell turned and sped out of the throne room, disappearing into his quarters. I stood there, my jaw tensed as I stared at the closed door of his room, ignoring the highly critical glances of the nearby nobles. I generally considered myself a fairly even tempered person, but this, this upset me. Maxwell's judgment regarding this mission was unfair.

A week had passed, and Leliana's people had finally reported back about their findings on the abandoned Grey Warden bases. They had reported back with rumors about the corrupted Wardens congregating at a base in the Western Approach.

Maxwell called a War Council meeting in response, and fully endorsed the idea that we should look into this supposed meeting of the Grey Wardens. I agreed, that is, until I was told that I would not be joining the Inquisition in investigating this matter. Apparently, Leliana's scouts had also reported witnessing the Grey Warden magi summoning demons. Something I would never condone, or practice myself.

However, it was decided that I might be more vulnerable to this corruption due to my status as a Grey Warden mage, therefore I am to remain at Skyhold while Maxwell leads a small group to investigate the matter. A group that Alistair would also be a part of.

Alistair was only permitted to come because he was not a mage, despite being a Grey Warden and being just as vulnerable to the whisperings of Corypheus and the Calling as I am. Why? Why did they think that I could not control myself? Did they really believe I would be weak enough to succumb to the corruption and begin using blood magic and summoning demons?

It was for my protection they had said. Even Alistair agreed with them. Yet, this matter involving the Grey Wardens is a very personal one. To stand on the sidelines while an organization that has no relation to the Wardens tries to fix Grey Warden problems bothers me a great deal. I am the Grey Warden that slayed the Archdemon of the Fifth Blight, I am the Grey Warden that was given the title "Hero of Fereldan," I am the Grey Warden that became Warden Commander of Vigil's Keep and defeated The Architect. And this was all being swept aside just because I am a mage, and therefore vulnerable to the whisperings of demons. Did they truly believe I was weak enough to fall for this corruption? If I was, then I would already be practicing blood magic and summoning demons with the rest of my Warden Magi comrades.

Ridiculous. All of it.

I sighed, turning and walking out of the throne room, ignoring the hushed whispers and critical glances of the Orlesian nobles that burned into the back of my head. What did they know about the situation? They have no right to judge. Then again, I suppose anyone who openly disagrees with the Inquisitor is judged by his followers.

I'll take a walk. I need to clear my head.

…

Cullen

"Soldier! Keep your guard up! Your enemy will take any chance they can get in real combat!" I shouted at a nearby Inquisition recruit who was in the process of sparring with another.

I sighed, rubbing my forehead in a failed attempt to cease my growing headache. As Commander of the Inquisition's forces, it was my job to both command the forces and train the new recruits in combat. The Inquisition was not turning anyone who wished to join the army away, including those that had no prior combat experience whatsoever.

Training of the inexperienced new recruits was not only quite often frustrating, but worrisome as well. Many of these people, most of which had families waiting for them, will not be ready when it comes time for them to fight for real. It _is _my job to make sure they are ready, but there is only so much I can do.

I scanned the row of sparring soldiers, each individual displaying various levels of skill in their combat capabilities. Only of a few of them would be accompanying the Inquisitor to the Western Approach, but there is no telling when a larger battle would be upon us, and all of our soldiers would be required. I can only hope that all of them are ready by that point.

As I continued to skim the line of soldiers, one who was practicing at the very end on a target dummy caught my gaze in particular. And not because he was doing poorly, this one displayed exceptional technique in fact.

I slowly drew nearer to the man, my curiosity peaked. When did we recruit someone like him?

I was slightly disappointed when I saw the familiar blue Grey Warden symbol brazenly flash in the sunlight as he drew back his shield. His familiar blonde hair and recognizable Grey Warden armor further gave him away. This was Solana's… lover, the other Grey Warden, Alistair.

I won't deny the fact that I felt a twinge of jealousy for this man. He had successfully claimed the heart of the woman I had pinned after for so many years, a woman I will never have now. But I can't reject the idea that this man is obviously very skilled in combat, as I would be expected of a seasoned Grey Warden I suppose. Something about his technique also seemed very familiar… his stance, the way he angled his shield… it took me a moment to realize that the techniques he utilized were the very same I learned in my Templar training. Is it possible that this man was a Templar prior to becoming a part of the Grey Wardens? While it was not encouraged, it was not unheard of for Templars to get conscripted into the Order. Although I felt no pull of Lyrium from this man, nor did I see any evidence of an addiction or withdrawel.

I cautiously moved closer to him, tensing slightly in surprise as he roughly shoved his sword into the dummy's "neck", the wood make of it splintering off on impact. I was a mere couple feet away from him before he ceased his practice and turned to face me.

"A lovely day for some sparring practice right?" He spoke, flashing me a cheeky grin as if he hadn't just been savagely disemboweling a wooden person.

I briefly glanced at the row of practicing soldiers, my hand resting calmly on the hilt of my sword. "Indeed, my men have been hard at work practicing for what is to come. Although they are hardly as skilled as you are unfortunately… your technique is quite impressive." I don't know why I felt the need to compliment this man, but it's not as if it was a lie either.

He chuckled lightly, lips curling into a grin. "Yes, well, years of fighting Darkspawn will do that to a person. The unskilled ones don't last long."

"I would imagine," I mumbled, cringing inwardly at the thought of my soldiers attempting to go up against the savagery of Darkspawn. "If you don't mind my asking, were you a Templar at one point? Your combat tactics are very similar to the ones I was taught during my own training as a Templar,"I asked. I was genuinely curious; it is seldom to see Templars successfully leave the order. At least, prior to it falling apart in the onset of the Mage Rebellion that is.

"Heh, I suppose you out of all people would be the one to notice that – people rarely do," He spoke with a degree of amusement. "Yes, I was trained as a Templar before joining the Grey Wardens. Templar fighting techniques were the foundation of my combat experience, although I never took Lyrium, so I lack the resistance to magic that _real _Templars have."

"It's a bit surprising the Chantry was willing to let you go, even without the Lyrium. I'm presuming conscription?" That was really the only way a Templar could leave the Chantry without being dishonorably discharged, and those ones often still had the Lyrium addiction.

Alistair nodded in confirmation. "Yup, conscription it was, the Revered Mother _did not _want to let me go."

"They rarely do, the Grey Wardens conscripting both Templars _and_ Mages out from under them is an insult in their eyes. The Knight Commander of Kinloch Hold was fuming for weeks when our mages were being called to aid at Ostagar." I chuckled fondly at the memory, he was absolutely irate when Solana was recruited out from under us.

Alistair laughed at this. "Yes, Solana mentioned to me that the Knight Commander was _not _happy when she was conscripted. Sounds like it was a good thing she was though, considering the situation."

The day Solana was conscripted was not a good day for me either, although I reckon for different reasons from Knight Commander Gregoir. It meant that she was gone for good, I would never see her smile, hear her voice, or watch her practice magic again. I never would have guessed I would encounter her again, in the arms of another no less. Oh, fate does have a sense of humor.

I suppose it was a good thing though. Punishments for breaking into the Phylactory Chamber are severe, as evidenced by the fate of the Priest Initiate that also partook in the endeavor. While the Fereldan Circle was hardly as harsh as the one in Kirkwall, I have no doubt that Knight Commander Gregoir would not have hesitated to send Solana to Aeonar too, or worse, made her Tranquil. He was determined to see her punished for Jowan's crimes. At the time, the very thought of Solana walking around as an emotionless, empty shell made me shudder. It is… a good thing that the Grey Warden that conscripted her was there when he was

"Yes… she was fortunate that a senior Grey Warden was present at the time. I don't condone what she did, but the punishment the Knight Commander had intended for her at the time was… harsh. I am glad that it did not come to pass," I responded solemnly, fumbling with the hilt of my sword.

I should have known that speaking with this man would bring up past memories about the Fereldan Circle… not necessarily ones that I wanted to talk about either. Considering what happened there, what happened to me… not my fondest memory. Regardless, I tried to remain polite without divulging more private information regarding what occurred there.

Alistair's previously optimistic expression morphed into a mournful one in response to my comment. "Yes… Duncan… he conscripted me as well. He was one of many that died at Ostagar as a result of Loghain's betrayal." I couldn't help but notice how spitefully he spoke the old Teryn's name, certainly much different from his previously cheery tone. "Duncan was a good man; he didn't deserve what happened to him."

How ironic. The very same man that recruited Solana literally the day after she officially became a mage had recruited this Grey Warden just before he became a true Templar. It pained me to think so, but it was almost touchingly romantic that a failed Templar and "failed" mage would be brought together in chance occurrence by the same man.

"I was not at Ostagar personally, but many of the Fereldan Circle's Senior Enchanters were. What happened there was a tragedy, no one deserved what happened to them there," I replied, mustering as much sympathy as I could.

I did not approve of Teryn Loghain's betrayal, but I was also amongst those that saw the late King Cailan's plan as doomed to fail. It would have been smarter to wait for the Orlesian forces to join them. Still, no one deserved the fate they got at Ostagar, not Cailan, nor the Grey Warden Duncan.

"Indeed," Alistair replied, his voice strained. "At least the man responsible paid for his crimes."

I had heard about this too. The traitor Loghain was executed publicly, in front of his daughter no less, by none other than the Hero of Fereldan Solana Amell. It was difficult to imagine the woman I used to know as a shy, meek Apprentice mage brutally beheading someone in front of a family member. But I suppose desperate times call for desperate measures, and seeing her as she is now, it's not too far off imagining the woman that Solana has turned into doing something like that.

"But, enough talk about that," Alistair spoke, that cheery and almost goofy expression returning to his face almost instantly. "Is there something you needed from me Commander? Or were you just drawn to me by my amazing technique and obvious charm?"

I was tempted to pry at him, for more information about Solana… details… anything to tell me what she has been up to aside from what I've heard from dramatized stories about how they ended the Blight. I wanted to know personal details about their relationship, even though I'm certain I'd regret it and asking would be horribly inappropriate. Instead, I chose to ask about something more recent and less… prodding.

"Have you spoken with Solana since the War Council meeting this morning? She seemed pretty unhappy with the Inquisitor's decision regarding the Western Approach, so I had wondered how she is fairing."

Alistair hesitated, and for a moment I thought I had been too personal with my question. I really don't know how much he knows of my past with Solana, but if he does, his apprehension in talking about personal matters regarding her is… understandable. Rather, he mouth gradually twisted into a wry smile and he almost appeared amused. "Not yet, I generally stay away from her when she gets like that," he responded with a chuckle. "I'll wait till she cools down, and then I'll talk to her… I don't necessarily disagree with the Inquisitor's decision, so I doubt my presence as this point will help."

"Yes… that would probably be, uh, best," I stumbled over my words, my response coming out far more awkwardly than I intended.

I shouldn't have even brought her up. I thought I had gotten over my social awkwardness long ago – never would have thought it would re-emerge just because of the mere mention of a woman from my past.

"Well, since you're here Commander, why don't we have a small sparring match? I could use the distraction, and it might be fun to spar with another Templar-trained warrior for a change," Alistair asked, a grin plastered across his face as he brandished his sword at me in mock aggression. "Solana is no fun to spar with. She cheats and uses magic."

Well… I wouldn't think magic would be a problem for a Templar, but I didn't press on it. I have to say though, the offer to spar with him was tempting, but…

"Well…" I responded, glancing over at the line of practicing soldiers. I should be watching and training them, not practicing myself. But on second thought, I really wanted to see what this man could do first hand. "Actually, they should be fine. I could use the work out myself."

Alistair grinned at me again. "Great. Go to first kill shot?"

I drew my own sword and walked a few paces away before turning to face him again, my feet naturally shifting into their battle stance and brows creasing into a determined expression. "Sounds good."

"Alright... 3, 2, 1… go!"

Alistair wasted no time charging at me, defensively holding his shield out in front of him as he moved to thrust it at me. Going for the shield bash right away – I can tell he's used to being a front liner. I readily countered it with a powerful swing with my broadsword, quickly sidestepping to avoid a counter swipe from Alistair with his sword.

Alistair is characteristic of most Templars in the sense that he wields a sword and shield. I was definitely abnormal in that I chose to wield a large broadsword instead of a short sword and shield. I've been trained how to use a shield, but it's not my preferred style.

Although for a sword and shield fighter, Alistair was certainly quite aggressive. He quickly turned as I sidestepped and once again thrusted his shield forward, this time clipping my shoulder. Thanks to my heavy armor, I didn't feel it, but it momentarily caused me to lose my balance, an opportunity he took to swing his sword at my head.

I countered it far more clumsily than I would have liked with my own sword and before he had a chance to strike again, I swung at his side, which he narrowly blocked with his shield. Not wanting to let him regain the upperhand, I continued striking at him. He expertly blocked each blow with his shield, but I wasn't going to give him any time to counter attack. He'll eventually tire and his blocks will become sloppy, and then-

Before I even saw it coming, he jutted his sword out from under his shield, which I narrowly avoided. Taking advantage of my surprise, he charged forward, squarely bashing his shield against my chest. Just like that, he has the upper hand again… I stumbled backwards, my vision momentarily blurring and next thing I know, the tip of his sword was resting against my neck.

He… won…

And I hated to admit it. I knew he was good, and he's older and arguably more experienced than I am. But I truly wanted to beat him more so than I normally want to beat others in sparring matches. Somehow, I felt that it would make me feel better if I knew I could beat the man Solana had fallen for in combat. But alas.

I sighed, forcing a smile. "Looks like you win this one."

"Lucky shot," Alistair shrugged, remaining humble even in victory. I can respect that. "Can't say I'm used to fighting other Templars, it has been years. You're skilled though, we will have to spar again sometime."

Well, surely under any circumstances, sparring with a senior Grey Warden warrior can't be a bad thing. And this Warden hardly seemed like a bad guy – nice, humble, a seemingly good sense of humor. He's someone I could see myself being friends with under the right circumstances. Between the Circles, and even here at the Inquisition, I have gotten my fair share of serious people. It sure is nice to see another person that takes things in stride with a touch a comedy. I nodded at him, "anytime, you say the word. I'm always here."

"Good to know," he grinned at me, sheathing his sword and leisurely slinging his shield back over his back. "Anyways, I probably _should _go check on my dear other half. Make sure she isn't tearing the place up in anger or something," he said sarcastically, and I felt myself chuckle. Solana? Tearing things up? No way, but I suppose things _do _change. "Good to talk with you, Commander."

He nodded respectfully at me before turning and striding out of the courtyard. I sighed, turning back to the practicing line of soldiers. I suppose there are worse men out there that Solana could have chosen to settle down with. For what it's worth, I'm glad she chose well.

….

Solana

Damn Inquisition.

I conjured up a ball of fire and sent it hurdling towards the target dummy, watching with satisfaction as it burst into flames.

Damn Alistair.

Another fire ball, the flames engulfing the dummy growing stronger, black ashes flaking onto the ground as it burned.

Damn all of them.

I slammed the hilt of my staff into the ground; ice materialized out of the air and encased the now-black target dummy.

Why does it matter that I'm a mage? I have just as much, if not more control over my own mind as Alistair. What was all that training I had at the circle for if not to teach me to ignore the invasive whisperings of demons and other vile creatures? I _should _be a part of this mission, yet Maxwell refused to hear me out.

It was as if I was back under the critical, anti-mage glances of the Circle Templars once more. I _hated _it.

I felt the pull of magic in my veins as I conjured a lightning bolt, hurdling it at the currently frozen target dummy. The ice shattered on impact, a visible scorch plainly evident where the bolt had made contact.

I was just about to cast another fire ball, the flames beginning to build up in my palm, when I felt someone gently place a hand on my shoulder. In surprise, I whipped around to face the culprit, the flames from the spell continuing to intensify in my palm, only to come face to face with Alistair.

"Whoa, whoa!" He called out in surprise, quickly whipping his hand from my shoulder and holding them out in defense. "It's just me!"

"So it is," I responded, closing my hand and canceling the spell. "Sorry."

"Look, I know you well enough to tell when you're upset." Alistair stated, shuffling in closer to me.

"Really? And here I thought my open disagreement in the War Room gave it away," I replied with bitterly, my lip curling up slightly in agitation.

"And, I also know you well enough to know when you are being sarcastic. Bitterly sarcastic I might add." Alistair added on, shaking his head softly. "Come on Solona, that's not like you. You know why we can't take you along for this."

"No, I _don't _know," I bit out, perhaps a bit childishly. "I'm a part of the Wardens too Alistair, this is just as much my fight as yours, and definitely more of my fight than the _Inquisitions_."

"It's not safe," he said, shuffling uncomfortably at my imposing tone. "I trust you, I do. I know that the chances of you being enthralled are unlikely, but I don't want to even take the smallest chance that something could happen. This is for the safety of everyone."

"But-"

"No, wait, let me finish," Alistair interrupted calmly, moving to place a comforting hand on my shoulder. "This isn't like how it was during the Blight where all we had was our small group; we have resources now, help. The Inquisition can help us so that we can _avoid _risky behavior." I found myself staring at the ground as Alistair spoke, fingers roughly gripping at my staff. He had a point… I didn't like it, but that is true, regarding how it was during the Blight and how it is now. "It's risky for me to go too, and I know that worries you. But someone in the Wardens has to go, and it's better me than you… I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you."

I felt him wrap my arms around me, pulling me into a hug, the edges of his arming digging almost painfully into my cloth-covered chest. "I… I can handle myself," I quietly insisted, hearing him mumble out a muffled 'I know' in response as he buried his head in my hair. I quickly felt my last line of defiance crumble at this – Damn Alistair, I hate it when he does stuff like this. "Okay… you're right. I'll stay here. Please, just be safe though."

"Always am," I he spoke cheerily – I could practically hear the grin forming on his face. "Anyways," he began, releasing me from his vice-like hug and stepping away. "Now that that's out of the way, let's do something more fun. You _have _to come to the Tavern and meet this Qunari – he's like the polar opposite of Sten! It's amazing!"

"Iron Bull?" I asked – that _was _the only Qunari I knew of at Skyhold anyways. "The Inquisitor told me about him; quite the character I hear."

Alistair chuckled at this. "You're telling me. A refreshing change from the Qunari we're used to if you ask me."

I laughed – I could agree with this, although I got along with Sten far better than Alistair did, even if it did take awhile. I do miss him, I often wonder what he is up to now. I can't say I felt like going to meet this new one at the moment though… Alistair did manage to placate me, but I was far from being up to going to socialize with Inquisition soldiers.

"I think I'll pass for now, it's getting late and I'm not in the mood for socializing today," I offered him a reassuring smile. "Go on without me. I'll stay here and practice for a bit longer before heading back to our quarters."

"Well," I watched Alistair shift his eyes around as if ensuring that we were alone before leaning in closer to me. "We _could _just skip the training and the tavern, and just go straight to our room… May as well make use of the time we still have a bed," he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at me and I simply laughed at his boldness. "Hey! Don't laugh at me, I'm trying to be romantic here."

"You know what," I said, ceasing my laughter. "I like that idea."

…

Cullen

Since relocating to Skyhold, nightly walks on the battlements had become a frequent thing for me. It was oddly soothing, although quite chilly. Even so, the biting cold and pleasant view did wonders to act as distractions from other happenings. I certainly did need that.

I leaned on the stone wall of the walkway, sighing as the cool breeze wafted against my skin, the fur of my armor blowing gently as the air raked across it. So much has happened in the past week. A madman that believes himself to be a God, corrupted Gray Wardens, a demon from my past. And now, the Inquisition is all set and ready to go to investigate the issues within the Gray Warden Order on the Western Approach. I would not be attending this investigation, but many of my soldiers will be… I hope they are ready.

"I had a hunch that you would be up here."

My eyes flickered over to the source of the recognizable voice, landing on Solana's approaching form. Well, I guess relaxing alone will have to wait. I am not certain if I am happy or not to see her up here again. The last time we had spoken… I suppose it ended on a good note, but it was less than a friendly conversation.

"Trouble sleeping again?" I questioned, almost amazed at the fact that I managed to speak a sentence to her without stumbling awkwardly or stuttering.

She breathed out a quiet snort of laughter, moving to lean against the rail of the battlements next to me and sighing. "I always have trouble sleeping. It's hard to, between the voices of the Calling, the bad dreams, and everything else going on with the Wardens right now."

"I see… I-I am sure that is not easy," I offered in my best sympathetic tone, cursing myself inwardly at the small stutter that managed to sneak its way out.

"Well, from what I hear, things have not been exactly easy for the Inquisition either, so I suppose I shouldn't talk," she said quietly, smiling lightly off into the distance of the valley, her short black hair fluttering softly from the breeze of the wind. "Intelligent Darkspawn… they are dangerous indeed."

"No..." I admitted, unfondly remembering the destruction at Haven caused by the beast. "We have lost too many already as a result of Corypheus, which is why we are working hard to put a stop to him before it goes too far."

"I'm glad," she relinquished, blue eyes flickering briefly towards mine in a way that made my heart thump just a little too loudly in my chest. "I just wish I could be of more assistance with the Wardens… I understand why the Inquisitor made the decision that he did, but I had hoped I could be of more help than just acting as a simple Advisor here. I've never been good at that…"

"Don't worry, you can trust the Inquisitor to handle it. He's not one for sparing details, you can count on him to update you on everything he and the Inquisition discovers regarding the Gray Wardens," I reassured her. Quite frankly, I was a bit shocked that she let her guard down like that and admitted such things to me. Perhaps there is some of the old Solana still in there after all… and perhaps she isn't as wary around me as I initially thought. I'm… glad. "Besides, Warden Alistair is accompanying them, so you can rest assured that the sane Gray Wardens will have a say in what happens to the corrupted ones."

"Yes… Alistair is accompanying them," she affirmed with a curt nod. "And that worries me. I trust him, I do… and I understand why he is going in my stead. But it is still… dangerous. Relationships aside, I am his superior in the Wardens – I am supposed to protect him. If something were to happen to him there, it would be my fault."

"Alistair appears to be a resilient man. I met him earlier today on the training grounds; quite skilled I might say," I said. Even just talking about him, I felt a twinge of jealousy – but I couldn't deny that he was a good man. "I am certain that he will be okay."

Solana paused, staring down at her feet for a moment before he mouth curled into a small smile. "He's sleeping like a baby right now, thinking ever so optimistically that everything will be just fine and dandy. And perhaps it will be, but I can't help but worry. Alistair has always been one to look on the bright side, but that's not always the best mentality for caution."

I glanced at her momentarily before shifting my eyes away and staring at the endless sea of snowy mountains that Skyhold overlooked. I didn't know how to respond to that… here she was, this Gray Warden mage that I once knew as Apprentice Amell baring her feelings to me in a way that would never be acceptable for us to interact at the circle. But we are different now, we are equals. Warden Commander Amell and Inquisition Commander Cullen. Things truly do change, and it was quite difficult to get used to.

"Cullen…" She began, and I quickly shifted my gaze back to her, momentarily surprised at the almost tender use of my name. "Perhaps it's out of line for me to ask, but can you promise me something?"

I paused for a moment and merely stared at her before forcing words out. "Y-yes, of course. Anything."

"Can you keep an eye on Alistair for me? I can't be there at the Western Approach, and I may not be permitted to come for any further investigations of Corypheus and the Gray Wardens, so I will not be able to protect him," she said stoically, once again moving to lean on the edge of the battlement walls and gazing out into the distance. "Even if you aren't able to personally do it. I would appreciate it if you had your men just watch him, make sure nothing happens."

A request to protect her lover in her stead? I don't know what to think. It was… strange. However, acceptance that what I desired with her will never be a reality is the first step to overcoming this absurd crush that has clung to me all these years. Perhaps making it possible for her and Alistair to have a happy ending is what will allow me to do this.

"…I promise."

,,,

_I am utterly hopeless. _

_I stood, still as a statue, as I watched the apprentice mages chat putter about in the dining hall – some sitting alone and studying studiously, while others chatted happily amongst themselves. However, I admit, hardly paid attention to what others were doing when one particular mage apprentice was in the room. She was sitting there, talking with her friend – Jowan I think his name was? A spellbook was open in front of her, her multitasking between chatting with the male and studying her book. _

_I always wondered what the relationship between her and this boy was. They were together an awful lot. However, I never noted anything beyond friendship between the two. Even so, I greatly disliked seeing them together. The boy was already on watch for being a high risk mage, and it is unlikely that he will even undergo the Harrowing due to this. Surely someone with the skill of Apprentice Amell would be better suited to hang out with mages of more equal caliber. _

_Such was not the case though. Watching Apprentice Amell had become somewhat of a vice for me, a guilty pleasure. And I had learned that she was rarely particular about those that she spent her time around; she was kind, and appeared to be more than willing to spend time with anyone who desired her attention. _

_I never sought it out, as much as I wished to increase my interaction with her. However, she did come speak to me on occasion, usually simply asking how my day was or even attempting to pry for more personal details, such as about my past or how I became a Templar. It's generally frowned upon for Templars to speak in such a personal manner with the mages, and while I was hesitant, I would answer her questions anyways – although it was always far less eloquent than I would intend, curse that infernal stuttering of mine. _

_She was kind though, and I wished that I could know more about her, but I knew better than to ask her personal questions. I felt comfortable passing the boundaries to answer the ones she had for me, but requesting the same of her was crossing a whole new Templar-Mage relationship line. But, I could not deny that I did always feel a twinge of jealousy whenever I saw the male mages speaking so freely and openly with her, and no amount of praying to the Maker would make it go away._

_I was stuck with these feelings, this crush that clung onto me and dug its teeth in like a starving spider. _

_I wonder what she truly thought of me? Most mages hated the Templars, saw them as their jailers. I don't blame them – it was true in a sense, even if it was a necessity. But this Apprentice appeared to be quite kind and respectful towards the Templars. Did she view me as a friend, or perhaps a protector? I would like that. Or was her outward attitude towards me all a trick, and she truly saw me as an evil, prison guard that stared at her far too often. Or maybe, just maybe, there is that small chance that she feels the same way for me that I do for her, unlikely as it may be. _

_I'm not sure I would want that though; I would hate for her to be plagued with these same infernal feelings, ones that could never come to pass, that I am. Even if she did feel for me, such things would be forbidden. Templars get dishonorably discharged from the Order and mages get made tranquil for such transgressions. Yes, better that she did not feel in such a way for me. _

_I watched her, and she suddenly looked towards me, rosy lips curling into a friendly smile and blue eyes glinting with that intelligence and noble kindness that I'd come to admire her for. I felt my heart begin to boom in my chest. _

_Me? Oh, I am truly hopeless. _

…

_To Be Continued…_

…


End file.
